Dear Aries,
I’m sorry if you think that I am selfish. I hope you can see what is in my heart. I wish you could read my thoughts and my heart. But you can’t. You never have. I guess I keep calling you because I want to know that you’ve have moved on. I also want some closure between us. I am sure that you don’t want us to get back together. The months we spent together was one of the defining moments on my life. It changed me in ways I can never fully grasp yet.
I loved you. I was young and naive. I thought I was incapable of love but you taught me how. I loved you. When I was with you and when I was enveloped in your love, I always thought about you. Everyday for several months, I’d say a prayer. I’d think of you. If I could build a garden for every time I thought of you, I’d forever walk in that garden.
It is true. When we were together, you were all that I thought about. You were all that I cared about. I may have a hard time expressing my love but you melted my heart. Somehow you did. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I never knew what love was until we met. I never thought I was capable of that kind of love. Similarly, I never thought that I was capable of so much hurt and bitterness.
When I say I loved you, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you anymore. You have touched my heart in ways I can never imagine. I think once you love someone, you are marked for life. You were once part of my life and I would carry that with me for the rest of my life.
The girl you once knew and the girl who once loved you has grown up. I am not the same person that I used to be when I met you. I have changed. And I’d like to believe that I changed for the better partly because of you. Although it was hard not to be bitter given that you have broken my heart so many times.
I don’t know if you can fully understand what you did to me. I know I’ve been cruel to you. I know that I’ve hurt you. I know it is not right to hurt someone intentionally but I thought that since you’ve hurt me.
I trusted you to take care of me. I trusted that when times would get tough, you would be there for me and not take advantage of my generosity. But you did. You took advantage. What really hurt was that you have never allowed me to express my sadness. When I tried to tell you how much I was hurting, you didn’t allow me to speak. It hurt because you never explained why you did something so terrible.
Did you know that it took me months to get over that? I tried to really forgive you. There was a time when I was tempted to forget you because of that. But I stopped myself. But I was so ready to walk away because I was so hurt.
I have met someone. And I don’t know if he feels the same way for me the way that I do for him. I am hopeful though. But so much of my concept of love came from you. I love the little things about him. I love how he’s always there. I love how sweet and innocent he is. I love how simple his view of the world is. It’s the small things about him that matter. And I know where I learned this from. I learned it from you.
I hope you can hear what my heart is saying. I wish you could read my mind. Because right now, there is no bitterness and sadness in my heart anymore. There’s only hope.
I wish you could look back at our relationship and see how necessary it was. How it was meant to be part of our journey in life. How, you were meant to be part of my journey and I, yours. They say that we meet people for a reason. Meetings aren’t just random encounters. People meet each other because they’re meant to be part of each other’s journey. Our journey together was far longer. It lasted almost a decade. Some encounters are short but it’s still no less significant.
I may not know it now. You may not know it now. But there was a reason why we met. Even if our journey together ended, at least we can look back and say to ourselves that we have loved. Because we have loved.
Loving You,
Pauline
